Do I write fanfictions well? o.O;; Chap. 5 Up...

[rikuchan]

i read your fic! it's totally cute! ^_^;

[Fhujeth]

Thanks =) I need comments, it's getting irritating no one is wanting to read it.

['Michael]

haha I had 5 minutes to spare so I read it too.. um, I don't know the reference to Bloody Roar.. so that part confused me quite a bit.

But Ai's dialogue is fitting with her character, and the other kids' portrayal are good too.

One thing I have noticed, though, is sometimes you chop a sentence off.. like this one:

'The other girl turned around and smiled, "Bye Yukiko-neechan, I hope I we can talk again!" Ayumi trotted off behind the other. '

when people are reading very quickly --- like they would when they are reading fiction --- they might be tricked into thinking Ayumi isn't the "other girl", joining the sentences here would actually help make the story more flowy. (but that's mostly me)

other than that, good descriptions in the beginning, and nice hints to their respective animes. Keep it up.

[Fhujeth]

mic1720 said:

haha I had 5 minutes to spare so I read it too.. um, I don't know the reference to Bloody Roar.. so that part confused me quite a bit.

But Ai's dialogue is fitting with her character, and the other kids' portrayal are good too.

One thing I have noticed, though, is sometimes you chop a sentence off.. like this one:

'The other girl turned around and smiled, "Bye Yukiko-neechan, I hope I we can talk again!" Ayumi trotted off behind the other. '

when people are reading very quickly --- like they would when they are reading fiction --- they might be tricked into thinking Ayumi isn't the "other girl", joining the sentences here would actually help make the story more flowy. (but that's mostly me)

other than that, good descriptions in the beginning, and nice hints to their respective animes. Keep it up.

Thanks It's good to hear people read it